Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
