Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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