You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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