it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
