I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
