I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
