it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
