Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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