Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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