we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
