I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
