Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
