Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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