I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
