I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
