i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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