i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
