trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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