hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
