that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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