you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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