It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
