I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
