and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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