Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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