Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
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