dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
