i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You smell like a Billy Joel song
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
