Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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