I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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