look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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