This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
So many bounce houses so little time
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
