textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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