How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
