....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
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