just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
