when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
