I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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