Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
