I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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