please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
