walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
