Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I could fuck to npr.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
