Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
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