i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
