he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
