She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
