So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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