tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Terrible idea I love it
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
