I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
