we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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