I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It's shark week go big or go home
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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