Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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