just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
My legs feel like baby dolphins
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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