Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
