My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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