remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
