Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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